Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Lessons From Germany

  1. Always pee before you go out anywhere.They charge you Rs 30 for a leak and in someplaces twice that amount!! Thats a bit more than 1 liter of orange juice!!It doesnt feel right to have to pay more for the end product than the raw material.
  2. Dont put cooked vegetable in a covered bowl and place it on a chair in the corner of the room.You tend to forget about it and are then reminded of its existense by a innocent draft of wind which kind of chokes you with the lethal aroma it picked up on its way over the bowl. Then you suddenly realise why that one fly had come to reside with you the day before and in yet another naive move you lift the lid of the bowl. The next thing you know is waking up in the hospital.
  3. Mixing dal and vegetables and cooking them together and then pretending that it is a soup is ok.
  4. At first try to impart taste to the vegetable with judicious use of spices. But then if it doesnt work out, as is the case in more than one occassion just add ghee and be done with it. It takes care of everything.
  5. If you ride a bicycle after many days, specially if the seat is a bit too high dont do it for too long.
  6. They should add Maggi and Aloo Bhujia to the first aid box. A man dying from starvation wants nothing more.And achar to make even self-cooked stuff edible!!!
  7. If you buy a bottle of wine you should have a corkscrew, else all you get is a pretty bottle sitting on your table which is not really what you paid for really.
  8. You can drink tap water anywhere. You are an Indian-it is one of those appurtenances (ya i m learning new words, hence...and by the looks of it still stuck on 'A'..its a long way before I get to Z...zzzzz..i think that explains the connotation of zzzzzz...as a reference to sleep, u know coz u r done then so..) that you get along  with your nationality. The bacteria simply enter the blood stream and say to each other 'Scope!' and slit their wrists.
  9. Your head is a messed up place. Dont go too far in. U never know what u will find. Btw I found that last cookie in the packet of papad - I dunno how it got there - I thought I had put it in the drawer. It was a bit soggy though but still ...
  10. If you think your jeans needs to be washed just keep it separate for sometime- after sometime it somehow looks very clean and wearable ...dunno how this works ..maybe relativity...
  11. Never ever go to a german restaurant.They serve crap at the rate of gold. They probably think if the color is same so should be the rates.
  12. You cannot abuse anyone for the terrible omlette you made, putting in a whole lot of salt pretending to be an expert chef who knows exactly how much salt makes it taste good. You sure do miss those three words ' Mummy khana do' or in case of the hostel 'Aaj tatti bana hai'.
  13. Nikelodeon thinks that the only cartoon ever made was Spongebob Squarepants. There is even a channel which keeps showing a potato shaped character doing something or the other 24*7. 
  14. I have had so much carrot in the past few weeks that I can feel my ears along with my two front teeth growing longer  and everytime I see a hole in the ground I feel like jumping in and join my fellow rabbits. Maybe I will see Wonderland and the Chesire Cat.

To be continued....

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Some Awesome one-liners/comments

  1. 'DevD is important but it is not google' - Mayank (Sharma probably..dunno..yes and i must acknowledge that this was an excellent sm from someone who is not on my list of top ten people with an excellent sense of sm's)
  2. 'Abe bachpan me bhi mujhe Schrodinger equation nahi aati thi to kya us samay main sota nahi tha kya?'-once again our unequivocal king of one-liners Mayank Sharma when someone suggested that he should dedicate the night to study for the exam on the morrow as currently he was only as well acquainted with the concept as he was with  the composition of rocks on Mars.
  3. 'Abe ye srojinder equation thoda samjha na'- contemporary genius Raunak Jain
  4. 'Is laash ko thikane laga do'- Matti after NCC camp and referring to his legs.
  5. 'Kitni haggi shakal hai be teri' - Shit in his indigenous shit style to ulti daya infi tatti
  6. 'Mujhe hai daalna' - the ending line to a gem of a poem by Shit
  7. 'I also dont like this chair over here' - Moharir sir ( u will get this one only if u were there when he said this) with the faint twitching of the corner of his mouth indicating his immense joy at being able to being able to use his favourite weapon-sarcasm.
  8. 'U dont look like a hero' - once again Moharir sir.Hail Fatta King. 
  9. 'SIX!!!...mera matlab fuck!!!'- me on being suddenly awoken. Dunno. No explanation.
  10. 'Lagta hia prof ki maut ho gayi hia' - once again me .included in this list only becoz the prof was standing right behind me and tapped my shoulder and replied - ' I am here only'.
  11. 'I am bored' - CV on someone's presentation
  12. 'Abe agar mera chutiya kata to iska matlab yehi na ki main ab kam chutiya reh gaya' - Matti.
  13. 'Abe jahar hag ke aaya hai kya??' - Chari to Matti
  14. 'Lekin ye sab to shayad hum decide karenge na' - Chari in a totally innocent tone when the guy at the beach chalked out our schedule and expenses even before you can say put(or some other short word :P )
  15. 'Choooooooootiyaaaaaaaaa hai kya' - i need not tell u who :D

I cant remember more at the moment but i m pretty sure that there are a countably infinite number of more such examples. They will be updated as soon as i chance to stumble upon them in some corner of my head which, by the way ,I have a lot of time to visit and explore.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Appendix to the last Post

I had Johnny Walker yesterday. Just to fortify my comments on the brand in my erstwhile post. No i aint turning into an alcoholic. I just went to a restaurant and saw it on the menu within affordable range and recognized that I could make my fortress of belief impregnable by interfering with my blood composition once again just for the sake of vindication. And I stand by my assertion : In small quantities alcohol is useless and in large quantities it tends to cause 'not-so-good' feelings. Its useful only in 2 exceptions- its too cold outside and u need to spend the night outside or if there is a party and u wish to go berserk. From now on I would prefer to be the person sitting on the same table with friends sipping free sprite and amuse myself with the antics of his fellow-sippers.

And these Germans have no taste.They eat crap. They eat food  like what would be the first stage of processing for a normal Indian dish. Yesterday i just had a stupid big (toooo big)  potato boiled, cut in half,cream poured over it with some leaves- they dint even take off the skin!!! basically saala aloo chokha tha wo bhi bana ke nahi diya tha!!!! I felt like a goat eating grass off a field who was lucky enough to have pulled hard at some shrub and found a boiled potato in the roots.

I liked bowling though. it is fun. And German TV is good.

PS: I realized the PhD guy is like the future version of Behera.Shit.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

A Letter to an old acquaintance

Dear Alkohol,

I hate u. From the bottom of my heart. I loathe u.I hate u in all variety,size,color, odour,taste and packaging...maybe i like the packaging..but otherwise i hate u.I dont care if u r a Johnny Walker or Crappy Cripple. I have been enlightened now and i realise that u r useless and would like to see no more of u.

First you dont taste good.No.Never. Munchings and snacks have to take the responsibility of killing your taste. Its only when we become numb and cant taste u anymore that it becomes alright. 

And whats with the hoodwinking people by coming in so many useless varieties - beer, vodka,wine,whisky blah blah....We being the fools that we are we just walk into the trap and are like 'chal yaar aaj ye try karte hian'. Its all crap. There is no different drink.Its the same u in ur one of the many putrid tasting reincarnations. Burn in hell Agent of Debauchery. (i think they do -there would be a lot of those flame shots in hell i guess...dats what hell is all about isnt it...though i dunno why has hell got to be burning and red?? maybe they spill a lot of flame shots and take pics in the sunset mode).

Then i tend to get carried away and drink a whole lot of u and then talk rubbish and do weird stuff (thats the only good part , i would say). But soon i get nauseated and all the fun is lost as I feel like all the water is gone from my body and am about to die. Then someone hs to help me to my room before or after which I turn the contents in my inside out which I assure u is not the best of experiences to say ther least.

Where did I get enlightenment from?? No,I dint sit beneath any banyan tree ...I just had a vial of truth...literally. 500ml of wine inside me did the trick. With that amount of alcohol mucking up my blood composition I went kaput. In the haze I remember having tried to call her like a zillion times but my phone refused to connect me but like a perfect money sucking network provider, reduced my account balance to zero (this is how these people get rich-fuck them!!).Then I dutifully went to the WC (water closet-thats what these germans call the heaven where we can eject all our secretions and excretions and get ready to reduce another batch of nutrients into stinking deposits which often turn into manure in our farmlands thereby increasing the fertility of mother nature-dunno what mother nature likes about it but then everyone is entitled to his own taste- and helping us grow more and more material to turn into a heap of stinking agglomerate- life is a beautiful and smelly cycle, isnt it ? :) )....so yea WC it was where I gave birth to the Alkohol's son -The Puke-3 times and then finally passed out on my bed. Suddenly woke up like a jack-in-a-box at a most uncomfortable 2:30 am to find the TV  still running in mute, the light still on and me having no clue as to my co-ordinates. Slowly as lady comprehension and sir realisation touched my inner soul and the light of understanding swept across my mind I once again embraced the tangible world. 

The TV being still on was actually a good thng ;). I took joy in entertainment as provided by the cable company at that holy hour and then turned to MTV (yes no typo here) and let the songs play while I went off to sleep. However I dint recede into the comfort of slumber untill 5 and then finally switched off the TV and snored peacefully till 8-30. On my arrival to the world from dreamland ( where also I watched some strange yet interesting episodes) I found the last half a glass of Poison still there on the table which I vehemently flushed down the sink where it once again got assimilated in the vermin from which it  arose.

And hence the Devil was defeated. (U may not really see how but it makes a good ending line so dont crib)